Direction & Goal

In this seemingly matter-of-course passage (from Dogen’s Instruction to the Head Cook) there is an extremely vital teaching to be found. In this world of impermanence, we have no idea of what may occur during the night; maybe there will be an earthquake or a disastrous fire, war may break out, or perhaps a revolution might erupt, or we ourselves could very well meet death. Nevertheless, we are told to prepare the gruel for the following morning and make a plan for lunch. Moreover, we are to do this as tonight’s work. In preparing the meal for the following day as tonight’s work, there is no goal for tomorrow being established. Yet, our direction for right now is clear: prepare tomorrow’s gruel. Here is where our awakening to the impermanence of all things becomes manifest, while at the same time our activity manifests our recognition of the law of cause and effect. In this routine matter of preparing tomorrow’s gruel as this evening’s work lies the key to the attitude necessary for coping with this absolute contradiction of impermanence and cause and effect.

Much too often we go about our lives holding on to some future goal without thinking about our present direction, or about the direction of our lives as a whole. When we stop projection goals and hopes in the future, and refuse to be led around by them, yet work to clarify our lives, that is, the direction of the present, then we will discover an alive and dynamic practice. At the juncture of this contradiction we will begin to understand the function of the tenzo.

KOSHO UCHIYAMA ROSHI – FROM THE ZEN KITCHEN TO ENLIGHTENMENT REFINING YOUR LIFE

#midjourney

My Story – Part 1

As far back as I can remember, I can hear my Grandmother telling me, “if you have your health, you have everything.” And I grew up with no major health challenges. I made it to the age of 49 with no broken bones or hospitalizations. But when I experienced my first serious health challenge, it was a doozy.

It began on the last Monday of January, 2010. At the time, I was working on the 3rd floor of a 4 story office building. As part of my job, I regularly needed to go up to the 4th floor, and because I’d been a health-conscious individual my entire adult life, it was my habit to take the stairs. On this particular day, I noticed something strange. As I was climbing this one flight of stairs, I was a little out of breath. But I didn’t pay it much attention. Over the next few days, however, the shortness of breath on exertion became gradually worse, and I began to become just a bit concerned.

Later in the week, on Sunday, I was scheduled to work at a special event at the Miami Convention Center. I rode down to Miami with a couple of my co-workers and parked in the garage at the bottom of the hotel. As we were walking up the steep grade to enter the Convention Center, I was much more out of breath. After the event, I made plans with my wife Joy for her to meet me for dinner nearby. I was very uncomfortable all through this meal, which my wife attributed to me drinking a lot more coffee than usual that day. After the meal, we had to walk seven or eight blocks from the restaurant to get to where our car was parked. As we were walking, in addition to the shortness of breath, I began to feel some pain in my chest and left arm. Fearing that I was about to have a heart attack, I stopped in a convenience store to get some aspirin and a bottle of water. At this point, Joy also started to worry.

First thing Monday morning I went to see my primary care physician, and the nurse practitioner ordered an EKG, which was performed right there, on the spot. The EKG was normal, and the nurse practitioner advised me to keep an eye on it, and go to the emergency room if it got worse. So I went to work, and kept to my normal routine for a few more days, which included riding my bicycle to and from work (an easy 15-20 minute ride). By Thursday evening, the shortness of breath had become much more severe. I finished work that day around 8 PM, walked out to the garage, and was about to get on my bicycle for the ride home. As I was unlocking my bike, I became frightened that I might not make it home. So I locked my bicycle back up, pulled my cell phone out of my pocket, called a cab, and asked the driver to take me to the nearest hospital emergency room.

Once in the ER exam room, I quickly explained what had been going on for the last week, and was given an chest X-ray and another EKG – both came back normal. As part of the routine work-up, a blood sample was also taken. After a long wait, a doctor came in and told me that there were traces of cardiac enzymes in my blood. These enzymes are released into the bloodstream when heart muscle cells are damaged due to lack of oxygen. Because of this single positive finding, I was admitted for the night.

The next morning I saw a cardiologist, who listened to my story once again, and reviewed the results of the tests. He offered me two choices: I could have a stress test, and if the results were positive, a cardiac catheterization, or just go straight to the catheterization. After some discussion we agreed to skip the stress test and do the catheterization. For those who are unfamiliar with this procedure, a small tube is fed through a large blood vessel in the groin and threaded up to the vessels that supply blood to the heart (the cardiac arteries). A substance is injected, which is opaque on X-rays, allowing any blockages to be easily seen. I thought that the worst that would probably happen is that I would have a balloon angioplasty (where a tiny balloon is inflated inside the blockage, to open it up) and possibly a stent or two to keep the area open. Unfortunately, this is not what happened. Instead, the cardiologist told me I was going to have triple (and maybe even quadruple) cardiac bypass surgery – in 0ther words – open heart surgery.

Later that day, I saw the cardiac surgeon, who agreed with everything the cardiologist had told me, and I was scheduled for surgery the following Monday. Later that day (it was Friday) I was informed that my surgery had to be rescheduled because of a conflict, and that was to be performed on Sunday. This concerned me even more, as I felt that if the surgery had to be performed a day earlier, and on a Sunday, my situation must be so severe that the surgeon felt it was not safe to wait an extra day until Tuesday.

So, on Friday evening and Saturday, I wrote my will, and got on the phone and reached out to many people, just in case.

Early Sunday morning, they prepped me for surgery. The last thing I remember before the surgery, was being in pre-0p with the surgical nurse and my wife, telling Joy that I loved her. The next thing I remember is waking up with a breathing tube inserted, and just wanting to get it out of me so I could breathe on my own.

We’ll continue the story after I first introduce the Three Pillars.

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